Bert and Ernie's Guide To Eroticism
Hello Boys and Girls... You might not remember us, as our show has
drifted off the airwaves, but both me, and my life partner Bert used to
be on Sesame Street. Part of our jobs everyday was educating you. We
taught you how to share cookies with Cookie Monster, and how to count
with... the Count. We showed you that bathing was fun (As long as you
had your rubber ducky) and that diversity was a good thing.
But Bert and I always had another agenda, our own agenda that even our
producers didn't really know about. You see, back when Sesame Street was
on, homosexuality was very very stigmatized, that means people thought
you were bad, JUST because of who you LOVED. But Bert and I didn't care.
We knew we were meant to be together. We both loved long walks down the
street, Vivaldi, and hot steaming felt-rubbing Muppet sex.
And with our mutual love of education, the next step seemed destined. At
first we only distributed pamphlets in underground dungeons and swinger
parties. But after one of our pamphlets ended up in Oscar's garbage
can... we realized we needed something less tangible. Welcome the
dawning of the electronic age.
The new idea of the Internet granted us anonymity and could greatly
increase our readership. Within three months www.MuppetLoving.uk was
born. And golly, we couldn't BELIEVE the response. It was an overnight
sensation. The first day alone we got over ten thousand hits, and it
just expanded from there. Now we offer a fully stocked store of sex
toys, Muppet and Muppet-Lovers (Muppheads) personals section, live video
feeds and hundreds of other services.
But that's enough of the introduction; here is our ten-step guide to
maintaining Eroticism in a relationship:
1) Always, ALWAYS keep scissors handy by the bed. - Any Muppet couple
who has gone for hours, knows that after awhile... you just get sore.
So, what we suggest, is that with a quick snip in your side, or back...
VOILA! A new hole for your partner to use... and abuse! Just remember to
sew it back up after!
2) Stay away from the rear door! - Think about it kids, you've hand a
hand up there for an ENTIRE workday, do you really think A. They still
want that area stimulated? B. They'll even be able to feel you? (Well,
maybe if you're Mr. Snuffleupagus)
3) Toys, toys, TOYS! - We can't stress this one enough. Something new in
the bedroom always spices up the scene. One time Bert and I were in a
rut, then I came home one day to find him chained to the wall in a full
body latex suit. His only words to me, before I zipped his mouth shut,
were... 'Hit Me.'
4) Invite a Friend! - One of the benefits of being Muppets kids is that
we come in all shapes and sizes. I remember one time we had Beecker
over... lets just say... his head is good for things besides thinking!
5) Get a little rough! - Try spanking or slapping your partner. When you
feel their felt covered hand, smack against your hollow cheek, the sound
it makes is magical. Just make sure you use a safety word! Ours is
6) Role-play! - Once Bert and I decided to role-play that we were Luis
and Maria from down the block on Sesame Street. Soooo, I stuffed up my
ears with cotton and let him beat me.
7) Have a mind-altering experience! - Sometimes, you can't get to where
you want to be on your own. That's when Bert and I spice it up a bit,
usually with Ecstasy or LSD. When the walls are melting and you feel
like you can know what your partners thinking, the sensations are
amazing. Be careful though, once Bert got some Angel Dust laced with
Heroin, and he ended up sticking my rubber ducky up his behind so that
he could 'stop feeling so hollow.'
8) Don't use protection. Now, this is only for serious couples out
there, who trust their partners. But, when I peel back my felt and enter
Bert, it's much more intense than if I'm going in covered. Something
about yelling at him to scream like a bitch while I'm taking him rawdog...
makes the experience so much more intimate.
9) Try autoerotic affixation. Have you have had someone play with your
stitching? When Bert starts undoing me, there is just something primal
about it. It's almost like he's god, as each stitch becomes undone and
more of myself is exposed to the world. Just be careful, make sure you
have extra stuffing nearby and a needle and thread should your partner
become overexcited in his ripping.
10) When in doubt, shout! - Verbal play is key in a good sexual
encounter. Screaming your partner's name, or how good it feels always
increases stimulation. Also compliment their genitalia. Bert likes it
when I refer to his organ as the big bad banana. He'll keep slapping me
across the face with it until I do, and don't tell him... but sometimes
I let him whack away for fun! Well, we hope these tips help! Here are
some users responses!
'My sex life was going nowhere, I mean... who wants a guy that lives in
a garbage can? Then I read B&E's tips. Next time I was on a date, I
slapped her across the face in the middle of sex and we've been together
ever since.' - Oscar the Grouch
'Vy old 'dirty talk' uzed to juz be za counting! Vone! Two! Tree! In
time wit each thrust. Now I calls her a 'Vucking whore' and she lovez
me!' - The Count
'We've always been lovers but it wasn't until B&E made it okay to come
out have we publicly admitted it.' - The three blind mice
'At first it was odd, and a little painful, being with a ten foot tall
bird, but then he started inviting Elmo over, and lets just say... all
that spunk counts in the sack. Thanks Bert and Ernie' - Maria
'At virst I vas ashamed, I vas pertified. But now I see nothing wrong in
rubbing my self in vegetables and hors-de-vors do bors to gors...' - The
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