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- China fines parents over $90,000 for having more than one child. U.S.
continues to give parents who have five children and no job free food and
medical care
- Chivalry and chain mail bikinis, a day in the life of a renaissance fair
- Cigar-rolling class offered at Jamaican hotel. You choose what to fill
it with, mon
- Apparently, kissing her neck, exposing yourself and asking her to try
doing things that you saw in a porn movie are considered sexual harassment
in the workplace
- Scientists discover swimming in syrup is as easy as water. Still no cure
for cancer
- After you stab someone to death, don't leave a voicemail for your
girlfriend saying, "I stabbed him a couple of times and, um, don't repeat
this to the police"
- When putting a slide show together for a sexual-harassment prevention
class for the Navy, don't start with a picture of a naked woman
- Jeanne threatens Florida. Major Tony Nelson orders her back in the
bottle
- Scientists find promise in stress proteins for preventing breast cancer.
Proteins may be created by therapeutic squeezing, or at least that's what
you tell her
- Ecstasy and mushrooms approved by FDA for trials to treat, among other
disorders, OCD. Teenagers and college students everywhere suddenly feeling
a little crazy
- Hookers set up book club. This month's book is "Going Down Swinging"
- Asteroid will pass within one million miles of Earth this Wednesday.
Bruce Willis preparing to sacrifice life to save humanity, Aerosmith
- Geometry teacher investigated for giving test that students can relate
to
- Women may run faster than men in 2156, but will still have to sit down
to pee
- Women with large breasts get neck pain due to posture. Men looking at
women with big breasts get neck pain from crashing into the car in front of
them
- Moose and man in heroic showdown. Man cheats, uses axe
- French police clear 125 miles of road for motorist with cruise control
stuck at 120 mph. Motorist manages to stop car with revolutionary technique
called "braking"
- Mayor may ban world sexual championships. Clinton offers to host
events while his wife is out of town
- Life expectancy of East Germans higher after reunification, proving
that people live longer without bullets in their heads
- If your pilot likes to boast about close calls during binge-drinking
sessions, flying with him is probably not the best idea
- Cybernetic glove triples endurance. Strong interest from adult
entertainment industry
- Environmental porn to save the rainforest. Got wood?
- McDonald's continues to lose money selling McCrap, continues making
money selling franchises and collecting the rent. Customer service
surrenders
- Hurricanes cut Florida orange crop by 27 percent. Winthorpe and
Valentine unavailable for comment
- Sailor beaten unconscious during Chargers game. Biker, Indian and
construction worker wanted for questioning
- Man receives new heart hours after getting married. Testicles to
still be kept in jar under sink
- Hell hath no fury like an ex-girlfriend and her two friends armed
with sticks, except for maybe the new girlfriend armed with a knife
- One thousand Green Berets from Colorado heading to the Middle East.
Army would have sent them earlier, but couldn't find them because of that
damn camouflage
- Fatal stabbing at Renaissance festival; victim loses all treasure and
must go back to level one
- If your wife cuts off your penis during an argument, it's extremely
important that you focus and remember to bring your penis with you to the
hospital
- Navy tests new camo uniforms. Big-ass boats still plainly visible
- Transgender cop faces discipline after going off half-cocked at
firing range
- New York Rangers involved with sexual-harassment lawsuit.
Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with the fact that they've been
screwing their fans for years
- Man in jail for forgery creates phony documents to get out of jail.
Accomplice accidentally faxes them directly to the jail instead of the
attorney. Oops
- Microscopic diamond discovered in Montana. Show her you care, but
only a little
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